Right now, I am stalling doing my history homework. I have rather a lot of it, but I almost feel like it doesn't matter that I'm stalling because it's going to get down eventually, so who cares if I waste some time beforehand?
I'm sad because our comp prelims have been postponed from today to tomorrow because of the snow. I was really pumped to do it today, and doing it on a Sunday just seems wrong somehow. Plus, it means I have to do all my homework today...which isn't a particularly appetizing thought.
Last night I had a good time hanging out with friends. It's weird how other people can improve your day so much sometimes. Then of course, other times, they can make your day worse. If there weren't other people would I be happier or sadder? I suppose neither, I'd just be neutral if I'd never known what is was like to be around others. As it is, I feel like at the moment, I generally like other people.
I don't really have much to say today; I suppose it's pretty obvious that I'm just blogging because I'd rather blog than do my history homework. Oh well, not every blog can be a work of literary art that reveals the inner workings of my soul. Not that my blogs often do that anyway. Does that sound negative? I don't mean it to.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Where am I going NOW?
Lately I've developed a superstitious obsession with knocking on wood. If I say or think anything the least bit prideful, or assume something I immediately become filled with fear and if I don't knock on the nearest piece of wood I feel unsettled and worried that I've jinxed myself. It's as if I'm afraid the Gods will punish me for my hubris like in an ancient Greek myth. Which is ridiculous. I don't know why I've become so superstitious lately; maybe it has to do with the mixture of paranoia and pressure I've become aware of recently. I can never decide if I'm a logical person or not because although I operate in my life mostly based on logic I tend to half believe in superstions and more cosmic unexplainable things at the same time. I suppose that's normal though. I don't understand how some people can be just one way or the other.
I've been trying to re-get myself into the band Tegan and Sara. I used to really like them a few years ago--I think it was freshman year? My favorite song by them is probably "Call it Off". Even though I hadn't heard the song or watched the video in a while as soon as I clicked the play button to watch it I knew that it was a song I liked. There's something about the song and the video that goes with it that really elicit an emotional response from me; like there's something inside of me that keeps being pulled and yanked and strained. I think that's the mark of a good artist, when the art really makes you feel something at the core. The twin who's singing in the video (I honestly don't know if it's Sara or Tegan) has this pained vulnerable expression on her face as her sister wraps several long cords of colored telephone wires around her. Everything else is white. It makes me think of starting new and clean, but still being all tangled up in something that happened which you can't let go of.
I've started to really fear growing older. My youth spirit has really kicked in lately, so much that I've started to feel like a very stereotypical teenager who distrusts authority and is determined to go against the path layed out by society. But I don't know. Is there anything wrong with that? I guess I can't deny the way I feel about life, so who really cares. I just want to go out and do stuff, and go places because I have this inexorable feeling that once I hit thirty life is pretty much over. The milestone of thirty in my future is currently one of my biggest fears. I feel like I have to get as much done as I can before then, before my youth is drained slowly out of my body. It's actually kind of a weird motivation to get as much done as possible. I used to think that growing older would be great, but now I dread it. I wonder if I'll feel the same once I have reached that age? At the same time though I see the time inbetween now and thirty as being a peak point of life, although I don't really know since it hasn't happened yet. Still, I think of it as being probably the freest point of my life when I won't be restricted by still living at home or by having a family of my own. However, I am also really afraid that I'm going to waste all of my twenties in school, knowing that I plan to go to college and grad school. I'll have to make sure I balance studying with breathing, per se. Is that cheesy? Whatever.
I've been trying to re-get myself into the band Tegan and Sara. I used to really like them a few years ago--I think it was freshman year? My favorite song by them is probably "Call it Off". Even though I hadn't heard the song or watched the video in a while as soon as I clicked the play button to watch it I knew that it was a song I liked. There's something about the song and the video that goes with it that really elicit an emotional response from me; like there's something inside of me that keeps being pulled and yanked and strained. I think that's the mark of a good artist, when the art really makes you feel something at the core. The twin who's singing in the video (I honestly don't know if it's Sara or Tegan) has this pained vulnerable expression on her face as her sister wraps several long cords of colored telephone wires around her. Everything else is white. It makes me think of starting new and clean, but still being all tangled up in something that happened which you can't let go of.
I've started to really fear growing older. My youth spirit has really kicked in lately, so much that I've started to feel like a very stereotypical teenager who distrusts authority and is determined to go against the path layed out by society. But I don't know. Is there anything wrong with that? I guess I can't deny the way I feel about life, so who really cares. I just want to go out and do stuff, and go places because I have this inexorable feeling that once I hit thirty life is pretty much over. The milestone of thirty in my future is currently one of my biggest fears. I feel like I have to get as much done as I can before then, before my youth is drained slowly out of my body. It's actually kind of a weird motivation to get as much done as possible. I used to think that growing older would be great, but now I dread it. I wonder if I'll feel the same once I have reached that age? At the same time though I see the time inbetween now and thirty as being a peak point of life, although I don't really know since it hasn't happened yet. Still, I think of it as being probably the freest point of my life when I won't be restricted by still living at home or by having a family of my own. However, I am also really afraid that I'm going to waste all of my twenties in school, knowing that I plan to go to college and grad school. I'll have to make sure I balance studying with breathing, per se. Is that cheesy? Whatever.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Furious...
I am very angry.
Extremely irate, in fact.
Why, you may ask? Well, in my history class we're doing WWII in ONE WEEK. I think that is positively outrageous. Possibly the most important war in the history of ever, and we're doing it all in a week???? WHAT THE FUCK??!!!!!
ARGHHH IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!
I've had a lot more trouble controlling my anger lately. I just want to shout at people for being so goddamn stupid. Wow, I never say goddamn. I must be really mad. I even stabbed someone today ;)
Extremely irate, in fact.
Why, you may ask? Well, in my history class we're doing WWII in ONE WEEK. I think that is positively outrageous. Possibly the most important war in the history of ever, and we're doing it all in a week???? WHAT THE FUCK??!!!!!
ARGHHH IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!
I've had a lot more trouble controlling my anger lately. I just want to shout at people for being so goddamn stupid. Wow, I never say goddamn. I must be really mad. I even stabbed someone today ;)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
All I have wanted all day today is a pain au chocalat. It's this French pastry. It's pretty much a croisant with chocolate inside, and it is sooooooo good. I was sitting in math class today and the idea of eating a pain au chocolat just came to me.
And it sounded delicious.
I think I would be absolutely, completely, as satisfied as I could possible be with my day if I just had one.
Thinking about pain au chocolat makes me think about my friend Elisabeth, from Austria. She's wicked cool. We're friends on facebook, but I really miss her. I only knew her for four weeks, but I feel as though we really connected as friends for those four weeks. I think we would be really good friends...if it wasn't for the fact that she lives on the other side of the ocean...But, still, sometimes I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her. I told her to visit me if she ever comes to the U.S., but I remember asking her and our other friend who was German, if they thought any of us would ever see each other again after we all went our separate ways, back to our separate countries. They both said no. I was all ready to be say, "YEAH!!! WE WILL TOTALLY SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!" BUT NOOOOO. They just said, "I doubt we'll ever see each other again." That just made me really depressed, and I thought they were being a bit cynical. Although I guess it's realistic.
But anyway. Elisabeth speaks English so well. It's so incredible. I mean, she speaks English better than I speak French, plus she speaks French almost as good as I do, she speaks Spanish, she speaks German as her native language, and she can read, write, and understand Latin. I just think that's so amazing. She thought it was nothing! We really start foreign languages way too late here. I don't mean to sound like a pretentious snob or something, talking about how sophisticated Europe is, but we really should start learning foreign languages earlier. It makes so much more sense. I have this enthuisiasm for learning languages. I wish I could learn every single language. Which is impossible really, and half the languages I would probably never even have an opportunity to use, BUT STILL. It would be sweet.
Anyway, this is awfully long.
And it sounded delicious.
I think I would be absolutely, completely, as satisfied as I could possible be with my day if I just had one.
Thinking about pain au chocolat makes me think about my friend Elisabeth, from Austria. She's wicked cool. We're friends on facebook, but I really miss her. I only knew her for four weeks, but I feel as though we really connected as friends for those four weeks. I think we would be really good friends...if it wasn't for the fact that she lives on the other side of the ocean...But, still, sometimes I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her. I told her to visit me if she ever comes to the U.S., but I remember asking her and our other friend who was German, if they thought any of us would ever see each other again after we all went our separate ways, back to our separate countries. They both said no. I was all ready to be say, "YEAH!!! WE WILL TOTALLY SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!" BUT NOOOOO. They just said, "I doubt we'll ever see each other again." That just made me really depressed, and I thought they were being a bit cynical. Although I guess it's realistic.
But anyway. Elisabeth speaks English so well. It's so incredible. I mean, she speaks English better than I speak French, plus she speaks French almost as good as I do, she speaks Spanish, she speaks German as her native language, and she can read, write, and understand Latin. I just think that's so amazing. She thought it was nothing! We really start foreign languages way too late here. I don't mean to sound like a pretentious snob or something, talking about how sophisticated Europe is, but we really should start learning foreign languages earlier. It makes so much more sense. I have this enthuisiasm for learning languages. I wish I could learn every single language. Which is impossible really, and half the languages I would probably never even have an opportunity to use, BUT STILL. It would be sweet.
Anyway, this is awfully long.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Tired
I'm tired. I'm incredibly, horribly tired. And that's all I really have to say right now, all that's really on my mind. I don't feel like spilling out every single one of my thoughts tonight. I have a very basic animal need right now, and why should I try to decorate it and make it something it is not? I need sleep and I'm tired. That's all. I'm going to sleep now.
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