Where am I going NOW?

Lately I've developed a superstitious obsession with knocking on wood. If I say or think anything the least bit prideful, or assume something I immediately become filled with fear and if I don't knock on the nearest piece of wood I feel unsettled and worried that I've jinxed myself. It's as if I'm afraid the Gods will punish me for my hubris like in an ancient Greek myth. Which is ridiculous. I don't know why I've become so superstitious lately; maybe it has to do with the mixture of paranoia and pressure I've become aware of recently. I can never decide if I'm a logical person or not because although I operate in my life mostly based on logic I tend to half believe in superstions and more cosmic unexplainable things at the same time. I suppose that's normal though. I don't understand how some people can be just one way or the other.

I've been trying to re-get myself into the band Tegan and Sara. I used to really like them a few years ago--I think it was freshman year? My favorite song by them is probably "Call it Off". Even though I hadn't heard the song or watched the video in a while as soon as I clicked the play button to watch it I knew that it was a song I liked. There's something about the song and the video that goes with it that really elicit an emotional response from me; like there's something inside of me that keeps being pulled and yanked and strained. I think that's the mark of a good artist, when the art really makes you feel something at the core. The twin who's singing in the video (I honestly don't know if it's Sara or Tegan) has this pained vulnerable expression on her face as her sister wraps several long cords of colored telephone wires around her. Everything else is white. It makes me think of starting new and clean, but still being all tangled up in something that happened which you can't let go of.

I've started to really fear growing older. My youth spirit has really kicked in lately, so much that I've started to feel like a very stereotypical teenager who distrusts authority and is determined to go against the path layed out by society. But I don't know. Is there anything wrong with that? I guess I can't deny the way I feel about life, so who really cares. I just want to go out and do stuff, and go places because I have this inexorable feeling that once I hit thirty life is pretty much over. The milestone of thirty in my future is currently one of my biggest fears. I feel like I have to get as much done as I can before then, before my youth is drained slowly out of my body. It's actually kind of a weird motivation to get as much done as possible. I used to think that growing older would be great, but now I dread it. I wonder if I'll feel the same once I have reached that age? At the same time though I see the time inbetween now and thirty as being a peak point of life, although I don't really know since it hasn't happened yet. Still, I think of it as being probably the freest point of my life when I won't be restricted by still living at home or by having a family of my own. However, I am also really afraid that I'm going to waste all of my twenties in school, knowing that I plan to go to college and grad school. I'll have to make sure I balance studying with breathing, per se. Is that cheesy? Whatever.